Dysphasia
by SonataForMyOverdosedLover
Summary: A shot Kaka/Saku story: About disappointment growing into anger, about anger growing into passion, about passion growing into insanity, about insanity growing addiction and something beyond their apprehension.
1. act I

Naruto © **MASASHI KISHIMOTO**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

Tsunade glared at the blond young man in front of her.

This is never going to end, seriously; the same old story. Don't they find it exhausting – going through it again and again?

I took Naruto by the collar and rolled my eyes. Avoiding another hole in the Hokage's wall and subsequently wasting more of my chakra on mending Naruto's broken ribs was the least I could do. Bowing my head I started to drag him out.

"If that was all Tsunade-sama."

The woman took the report from Yamato and dismissed everyone from the room.

Already in the corridor Naruto jerked free from my grip.

"Damn-it Sakura-chan; you should have let me finish my complaining!"

"Well, my apologizes for caring about your well-being."

"Hmph! We're not kids anymore! She can't keep sending us on stupid B-rank missions."

"Yare, yare! I don't see why you are complaining for returning home sound and safe."

Yamato and Sai caught up with us on the stairs.

"This mission was so lame that even teme refused to come."

"I believe Hokage-sama didn't even request his presence."

Naruto glared at Sai. "Shut it! Don't remind me that I have to punch you after what I had to go through last night because of you."

"I remember that it was because of your di-"

"Come on, boys. You managed to stay on good terms during the mission, don't spoil the good mood now."

The same. Everything is the same; it's like playing a broken record. Shouldn't I be happy that things have found their proper course? That we have finally settled down and all the wounds were closing up? Though there were some awkward scars left behind. From the corner of my eyes I glanced at those three fools I care so much about, whilst they continued their quarrel (at least two of them with poor Yamato cursing the day he started to baby-sit them) – was it only me left with those scars?

Whilst their words barely reached my ears I stared absently at the bleeding sky of the dusk. Everything was back to normal for years now. Sasuke was back, Naruto was bubbling again about being Hokage, Tsunade giving us missions just to keep us out of her sight, Konoha was again… Konoha – the one we knew when we were twelve. There weren't any regrets left...so…why did I feel so …frustrated?

"Ne, Sakura-chan, how about meeting with us at the bar to call it a day tonight? I'll have teme coming too."

I stared at him for a moment, brought back to present and sighed.

"I guess that doesn't sound so bad. I'll drop home to take a shower and meet you guys there." I turned and waved over my head before leaping out of their sight.

"JA NE!"

--

Once inside the click of the shutting door echoed through the empty rooms of my old apartment. Always empty whenever I came back home. I let out a soft sigh for the countless time during the same day and throwing the keys to the ground I took off my shoes. The mission must have stressed me; that was all. I dragged my feet down the corridor and let my jounin vest fall to the floor. Without bothering to turn on the light in the living room I went inside my bathroom, hitting the switch on the wall, the small room illuminated by a pale light coming from two LED spot lights in the ceiling above the shower. Discarding the rest of the cloths I stepped inside and felt my body finally relax under the cold stream of water.

Get a grip on yourself Sakura! You are barely twenty-two and you feel as jaded as an eighty yeas old woman.

I straightened my body and lifted my head so that the water could hit my face and wake me up from my exhaustion. _Then why, why did I feel so drained from all my power? _I seriously had no reason to feel down. Everything in my life was perfect; almost too perfect. I was a respected medic, a woman with a brilliant future and a feared shinobi. I had everything I ever wanted; well… maybe I didn't have glorious love life but I won't complain. My hands were already full with a demanding shishou, annoying friends as Ino or careless important people like Naruto, Sai or Sasuke. Within years I managed to mend all my past mistakes and faults quite well and there was no reason to harbor hard feelings or hate anymore. _I have no regrets… not anymore… not when I have a life…_

My palm turned into a fist on the cold surface of one of the walls… _no regrets… not even you… not mine at least._

_Agggh! Damn it Sakura, what the hell has gotten into you to think of things like that in such a moment? You're not a kid anymore, there's no reason to be angry…not anymore…not for years… _It was just the mission, killing missing nin was never a pretty job.

--

It was a bar that we loved to spend our evenings at. It was quiet and poorly lighted, nothing fancy but quite comfy. Both nin and civilians liked to pass by and have a drink or two. I lost track of time whilst in the shower but I wasn't going to worry about the boys getting bored waiting for me. Whilst we were really grateful for the moments thar all five of us could spend together (although I don't believe any of us was ready to admit it) I've learned that even when I wasn't around they didn't have the chance to get bored. Not with Naruto's hyperactivity which always concluded in an open fight with either Sai or Sasuke or the constant growling and snarling of the last two at each other. Sometimes I wonder what on earth is Yamato thinking when he deliberately chooses to spend time with us when he can go somewhere less troublesome and relax. I pushed the door open. Of course I knew the answer. It was the same for Sai. The reasons why we kept holding… to both…we were a team.

I was about to let the door shut and step further inside when I stopped myself from bumping into someone. When I looked up I saw a relatively surprised Sasuke on his way out.

"Err… leaving?"

He let his eyes linger a moment on me and there was a considering expression on his face before he finally spoke.

"Yeah…" again the same expression as if he was debating if to tell me something or not.

"I'm sorry… if me being late is-"

"No…it was…" he looked over his shoulders "a little bit too crowded" – was that a warning in his voice? – "and I was already tired when Naruto dragged me here. Sorry I can't stay."

I looked at him and even if I was in a bad mood, my anger chased a bit seeing as he did look a little worn down. The things he is doing to regain his respect and the effort he was putting into it were really admirable… and exhausting in the same time. Damn, he had even more reasons to feel down than me… considering I shouldn't have any at all.

A little bit worry I put a hand on his chin to lower his head and have a better look at his face. There sure were dark rings around his charcoal eyes. A little embarrassed at my mother-like behavior, but used to it none of the least, he arched one of his brows.

I let go of his chin and smiled warmly. "I'll have a full day tomorrow at the hospital but come by during my brake. Let's see if we can work a little on your nervous system and relax your muscles a little. You're like a walking brick."

He rolled his eyes but couldn't suppress his already well-known grin.

"How could I resist to such compliments."

It was my turn to copy his gestures.

"Go get some sleep Uchiha.", and turned to find the rest of the boys.

"Don't get too hot blooded tonight." He waved and stepped out. I side glanced his way. '_Hot blooded?' What the? I'm not such a party lover, and I'm definitely not losing my head over alcohol…well... most of the times. A simple 'have fun' would have been enough.'_

"Sakura-chaaaan!!!"

Well that spares me of all the trouble to find them. As I approached the blond head that no one could miss even in a dark, foggy of cigarette smoke room I came to realize what Sasuke meant by 'a little bit too crowded'. Apart from him, Sai and Yamato Team 10 was there too and it took me a while to realize why I couldn't spot Yamato's face earlier. At the same table were sitting some of the older jounin as well.

And damned I be if I was to clench my jaw just because of the warm smiling eye and silver hair coming from behind the orange covers of a book. I have what is called self-control and I wont lose to an irking rage that was building inside me just because of a dusty image that has been playing on my retina since childhood. Who on earth does he think he is shoving that pathetic paternal smile of his on me every time he felt like? Especially since it was the only thing that he still seemed to do for me during the last four years. I wonder between our small and scarce meetings if there was a single time that he had addressed to me anything else than greetings and duty related phrases? I kept smiling at the people from the table, each nodding in their own way to return the greeting.

Ino narrowed her eyes at her childhood friend, seeing her tense body behind the sweet smile she used to fool everyone. She stole an unnoticed glance at the ex sensei of team 7. Thirty minutes ago she would have been more than glad to leave the bar after a quick shot with her team and decline Naruto's offer to have a drink at his table since even Kakashi and the rest decided to gather at a 'night in town'. But after hearing him mentioning that Sakura will be here too to cool off since the last mission got her a little fired up she made her mind and took a sit near the already pushed down Shikamaru. She knew Sakura; during the last years they grew closer that ever, and so, she knew her skeletons in the closet better than any...even better than Sakura herself. And that man, seated at the other end of the table was one hell of a hidden burden on the pink haired woman's shoulders.

"He, he...look Sakura! We stumbled across Genma and the gang when we came to the bar and then even team 10 was back in town from their previous mission."

"I can see that Naruto." Her voice did come out a little harder that it should have.

"You should control your enthusiasm at seeing me Forehead, you make me blush."

Ino scored as she saw her friend relaxing and giving her a little exhausted, warm smile.

"Very funny Ino."

"Oh, and stop standing, I know you want to get all the attention but that won't work."

She was about to retort to the fake sweetness of her blond friend when suddenly her eyes narrowed in annoyance. "I beg to differ." She hissed and before the presence from behind her had the chance to lean over she took in a firm grim his hand and slammed it on the table.

"I'm not in the mood Genma." The same hiss.

Even if around the table people were already laughing and Ino was smiling as well she couldn't stop but wishing that Sakura would know better than venturing her stubborn anger on other innocent people.

The man grimaced in fake pain and looked at her disappointingly.

"No need to get aggressive."

Sakura smirked and crossed her arms over her chest making the army like shirt open more and her breasts more pronounced under her black strap tank, obviously to him now that she wasn't wearing her usual bindings or a bra. The way he liked it...but now a major distracting factor.

"Oh…I was under the impression that you liked aggressive woman. Must have heard it wrong when you were trying your pick-up lines on a woman five tables from here….

… and Genma, my eyes are up here". She mocked enjoying the effect she had on him.

"Eh?" he asked as if woken from a confusing dream.

"What Ugly meant was 'stop staring at my breasts' but she put it in a what I guess to be polite way."

Here it was old Sai stating his bulk observations in the loveliest moments; at which Naturo snickered. "I would call that a 'I-love-to-make-a-fool-of-you' way Sai, and I am telling you this so that you can improve your study on emotions, nothing to do with Sakura-chan's suddenly bitchy attitude."

Pink locks flew over her shoulder as she snapped her head at Naruto.

"Don't make me teach Hinata how to hit you every time you act like a jerk."

He scratched his head sheepishly. "No need to go that far Sakura"

"That's called eavesdropping, Sakura-san." Genma chose to reopen their previous discussion.

"Pfff… not when you're that loud."

"Ehh, even so I am somehow flattered. I thought that you were so captivated by the Uchiha that you wouldn't even notice me." Yes he liked to play dirty.

But to his dismiss, as she had previously stated, she was not in the mood for his flirts and eyed him unimpressed.

"If I would have been _that _captivated by _the _Uchiha I wouldn't be here now, would I?"

Ok… so Sakura was more pissed off that she let it show since it wasn't like her to make sex jokes involving her and Sasuke. She had become too much of a friend with the man to consider him in any other position, regardless to her childhood crush.

Ino pushed Shikamaru's chair into Kotetsu's and pulled one more for Sakura to sit between her and Sai.

"Come on Forehead, sit."

The woman accepted it and let her body practically fall and sighed loudly. _Get a grip on yourself!_

And so, the chatter and the jokes started once again, their table giving a good vibe. Too bad that this _good vibe _was seriously getting on Sakura's nerves. She resumed at watching her nails and sipping from time to time from her sake. She couldn't stand it. How dares he show up all of the sudden? She hasn't seen him at the bar for months, and even when that happened he either was with Genma chatting with the bartender or slightly flirting with the waitress or sitting by himself reading from one of his god-damned books. Sometimes she wished she could grab those books and rip them or throw them in the river. She did that once when she was thirteen, but it wasn't her place to do it anymore. For her, since the age of fifteen he had became a simple acquaintance. At first she felt frustrated with the feeling but soon came to take it as it is. After all when was he doing more that his job as a sensei with her? Not even that. He was never concerning over her like he did with Sasuke and Naruto. He never focused on her to improve her weak points and perfect her strong ones. He never pushed her to the limits like her shishou did. He never saw in her what Tsunade did. He didn't react in _any _way when she went to the third Sannin to ask her to take her under her guidance. To the others it seemed stupid for a mere girl, with no promising aptitude to go and ask such an outrageous thing from the Hokage herself. But she couldn't care less. At that point she was doing it for herself because no one else was willingly to do it. She did it because she wanted to become strong like the rest and even if just a little, she did it because she wanted to read remorse on his face; to see him regret that he lost the chance of such a brilliant student that she had sworn to become. But she only ended up hurting herself. Because there was nothing. No remorse, no regret, no sadness, not even, at worse, congratulate her for growing up or a fucking sorry for not being there for you as any teacher should be. As Kurenai that supported and felt proud of Hinata no matter how shy and weak the girl had been at times, or as Gai that kept his faith in Lee and taught him to never let the others look down on him, or Asuma who had loved the three members of his team and cared for them unconditionally and undifferentiating. And what had Kakashi done for her? Other than smiling and comforting her every time she would pathetically start to cry. A smile that she never was sure that he really meant it or it was just his way of getting rid of her. A smile that now, in present, she felt like punch it from his face every time he would use it on her. It was disgusting her how freely he could show it to everyone. Even if it was fake, as she had grown to believe, for the longest time in her life she wished that at least _that_ was something only for her; something that proved that, enjoyable or annoying, she had been a presence in his life, different form the people he passes by the streets or encounters in missions. But it wasn't so. Even that she had to share with the rest, him smiling his way to everyone.

Sakura brought her glass to the lips only to realize that it was empty. How many drinks did she have? The voices around the table flooded her ears again when Ino pushed her elbow forcefully in what she wanted it to seem an accident but it was obvious not so, when she shoot her pinquette friend a warning glare whilst she was stretching over the table after a bottle of sake – also empty.

Sakura rolled her eyes and leaned in her chair. So what if she had been staring? It's not like he did anything else than look into that book of his or smile from time to time to the others. It would mean to underestimate him by believing that he didn't realize we was being stared at but it's not like he had the courage or at least bother to look up and ask her about it. She glanced at him to see his reaction when Gai said his name.

At that that Ino got up. "Ok, I'm going to order another row of drinks. Does anyone want something in particular?"

"Order another pack of cigarettes if you don's mind."

"No problem. Come on Sakura, you're coming with me."

The woman frowned in confusion. "I am?"

"Yes!" and she grabbed her by the arm, dragging her to the bar.

When they were far enough she whispered at her.

"Would you stop staring?"

"I wasn't."

"Riiight… everything that is left for you to do is to start muttering curses under your chin and I have a feeling that in the morning we will find Kakashi deceased under 'unnatural circumstances'."

Sakura rolled her eyes.

Once at the bar she pinned her elbows down and Ino waved to the bartender.

"You seriously should get rid of this teacher-fatherly-image complex of yours."

At her words Sakura stiffed and clenched her fingers on the surface of the bar.

"I. do . not . have . a . complex!"

"Sheesh, it was only a joke Forehead, chill out." Well, at least it was until she saw her reaction.

"Why don't you go home and sleep it out?"

"I'm not a coward and I won't run away. I am here to spend time with my friends and I don't care of what he does." Her voice was serious and her eyes lost over a group of chatting people at one of the tables.

Ino knew what was keeping her friend down. She knew of the hate that her friend was silently nourishing for her ex-sensei, of her disappointment and of the mountain of confused feelings for the man. She never knew why she insisted in calling him a coward and she knew that Sakura was even exaggerating a little. More than once she saw the care with which Kakashi was watching over his precious pupil during the exams. But that was then and she couldn't pretend not to see that in the present the relationship between the two was … not the same indeed. In her case… she could only imagine how discouraging must be not to have the support of a teacher. And this was also one of the reasons why Ino envied Sakura. Even with this handicap in the road of becoming a shinobi, she did the same thing she had done that one day when they were stil kids. She desperately clenched her teeth around the single thing that she was left with and bit as hard as she could, not letting go – never letting go. In her eyes Sakura was really amazing.

"I'm just saying that you are already stressed; you don't need another irking factor." She turned to the bartender and told him the order.

"I have control over my emotions, I don't need you to worry over me."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Look Ino, I promise you that if I'll ever feel like doing or saying something inappropriate I'll get up and leave. Is that good with you? Now come on, I want to sit down."

Ino sighed and followed her. For some reason she couldn't help but to hope that what Sakura finds as 'inappropriate' had the same meaning as it had for her. She took her by the elbow; a joke was always a good start.

"Or you could always get laid. It's a simple and refreshing way to let off some steam."

"Wouldn't you know."

Both of them grinned.

"Said the girl who doesn't even remember how she ended up in Neji's bed."

"Hei, at least I am picky!"

"Forehead you should consider yourself happy that I am concerned over you tonight or you'd have had to suffer the consequences of your statement. And I wouldn't call that picky – disturbing more likely. You don't want me to name all the strange guys that you have shared your bed… or something else with."

"You can count them on fingers unlike someone else I know."

"Bitch!"

When they reached the table the two young women were laughing.

"Well there ladies, can you include me to your fun?"

Both stared at Genma, remembering their last discussion and than looked at each other.

"Pass."

"Me too."

And as they took their previous seats they started to laugh even harder than before.

--

Somehow Sakura found herself again concentrating on her glass trying to push the voices in the back of her mind. Naruto was currently telling one of his funny adventures from his training with Jiraya and Sai wasn't wasting any chance to make a fool out of him.

Sakura looked at the dark haired man from her right. Sometimes she wondered if he wasn't faking all his lack of common knowledge just to make fun of people. She put the glass down and leaned over, resting an elbow on his shoulder. Then she softly started to blow in his ear.

He turned to face her with a blank expression, surprised by her sudden gesture, as well as the rest of the people that caught her movement.

"Ugly?"

At that she shrugged and turned to her sake.

"Just checking."

She had no idea when she started to drink sake as if it was water but the voices continued to come and go. There was Kurenai asking something, Naruto showing off, Shikamaru sighing, Ino giggling, Anko making a sharp remark, Naruto buzzing some more and Yamato saying something about being 'proud of working with his Sempai's team'

"Pffff!!! Pathetic!" Sakura was sure that if her glass hadn't been half empty she would have choked for speaking into it.

For a moment the table fell quiet but since Sakura wasn't facing them, if not staring at something on her right, they assumed that her reaction was related with something happening somewhere else in the bar.

Ino hit her in the ball of her foot while smiling at something that Kurenai was saying. And again Sakura rolled her eyes.

There was something really hot growing in her throat.

When she was about to take the glass back in her hand she realized there was no glass in front of her anymore, just a sickly smiling Sai. She wasn't fazed so she tried to find something else to keep her occupied. But lamely failed. Under these circumstances she took Sai's glass and brought it to her lips.

"I felt really honored when Tsunade put me in charge of a team of remarkable students that Kakashi-sempai trained."

This time Sakura did choke very un-ladylike but still managed to laugh until there were tears at the corner of her eyes.

"Ha! Ha! Ha ! That was the most hilarious thing I've heard since that time when Naruto discovered on what premises Sai declared him dick-less! Ha! Ha!" By now Sakura was wiping her tears away.

Ino sighed. This was it. The trigger of Sakura's rage of emotions was pulled by Yamato's words.

"Really funny."

"Ugly, why are you faking your laugher?"

She rolled her eyes at the sincere curiosity in his eyes.

"I was not faking. I found it quite amusing."

"It sounded forced to me."

Sakura was about to take another sip when the glass was swept out of her hand.

"Ino, that's mine."

"It's actually mine, Sakura-san."

"That's enough alcohol for you."

Sakura returned to her serious voice. "I can handle my alcohol just fine."

"Sakura-san, there's no need to get harsh. And I really meant what I said before."

Ino watched jaw dropped at Yamato. She couldn't believe that he was actually provoking her. She was trying to cover up and set Sakura's mind on something else and he… it was almost as if he was doing it on porpoise. Things were so off tonight. And Sakura snickered darkly while taking the glass from her hand.

"I always admired you for your faked naivety. And I seriously hope that it is indeed a well-faked naivety or I'll have to pity you." The table didn't know how to react to this change of tonalities. Ino wanted to stop Sakura but with a single glance at Kakashi she felt how anger was taking over her too. The man barely glanced once or twice from his book even when the insults were thrown. Well, everyone was a little bit confused to decide if the insults were real or just a joke. But Ino knew better when Sakura continued to speak in her glass.

"If it is the latter you have been laughed at by two people. Tsunade by taking you by a fool and Kakashi for taking you for granted. Someone really knew where to place his burdens and move on." She put the empty glass down.

At this Kakashi finally lowered his book and stared at the ashtray for some answers as if he had just realized what the conversation was about.

"Now, now Sakura." Yamato scratched his nape in a sheepish gesture not too different from Naruto's. "You must have misunderstood my words. I wasn't referring at Kakashi's contribution. I was barely considering the members of the team."

Ino could not believe her ears. Were both of them, Yamato and Sakura, mocking the copy nin? For her, who know what all this was about it was hard no to realize the implication of their words.

Every spark of amusement faded from the green-eyed woman aura and for the first time she looked in the eyes one of the people from the table – Yamato.

For a moment she simply stared at him with hard and hateful eyes.

"Some team he left behind."

For the majority of the ones seated at the table this dreadful tone of the usual cheerful and optimistic pink haired woman was new and shocking and Yamato wondered if even Kakashi had ever heard it.

"Tell me one thing _Tenzou._"

Hearing his true name slip so casually through her lips took him off guard. Not even once had he mention his name to her and he bet that only Kakashi knew it – a side glance to the said man and he didn't like the rigid expression of his face, book long forgotten. But then again this was Sakura. Tenzou knew her well enough to realize that as the Hokage's apprentice she took the liberty of finding the answers of her questions in her own way, when no one was answering. And fearing of what was about to happen, something that he had deliberately caused, he hoped that his own name would make the others believe that it was the sake talking for her.

"One power-obsessed traitor at that time, an emotionally handicapped replacement, a kyuubi container, which by the way was the only reason why you have been assigned to the team, and a useless third member of something - I don't call that a team; I call that leftovers, but then again is up to you to call it whatever you want."

Naruto slammed his hands in the table so hard that half of the bar eyed them now.

"Sakura-chan how can you say something like that about us?!"

And totally opposed to the blonde's explosion Sai stared at no one in particular and continued. "I guess that makes me the 'emotionally handicapped replacement' then."

Sakura was one of the few from the table that didn't jump in surprise at Naruto's outburst and looked at him clearly and emotionless before turning her attention to Yamato.

"But stop covering up someone else's failures and cowardice. It makes me throw up."

Sakura's cheeks were red as fire but no matter if how much Ino wanted to believe it was because of the alcohol, she knew that the woman was perfectly aware of each and every word she was spitting thorough her teeth.

She watched her getting up slowly and pulling some money and pushing on the table, calm and again with the same exhausted expression on her face.

"No one asked you to treat us as a team. No one considered even thinking of it that way. I can assure you that shishou never did." She was looking at the empty glasses and the drops of sake glistering on the surface of the table. "Though I can't help admiring you. Because from the beginning you did something that I always looked up and expected form someone else during my whole childhood. In your gauche way, you still managed to keep me, Naruto and Sai from falling apart."

She stepped from the table and gave a little bow. "Have a nice night."

When she was steps away the table was in an awkward silence.

"Ha, ha….Yamato-san, please don't listen to all that Forhead said… I tried to stop her from drinking but I guess I did a poor job. Let me get her back so she can give her proper excuses."

Ino was already on her feet when Yamato filled his glass again.

"Please let her go Yamanaka-san. She'll just bark at you to leave her alone and go back to the table." He smiled knowingly and sipped from his drink.

Sakura refused to even glance at Kakashi. She felt his powerful gaze on her. It was the first time in years that he looked at her so intense as if really acknowledging her presence.

She stormed outside of the bar and into the night. Serves him right! She hoped that he was feeling awful because that's how she felt for years every time she looked at him. She knew that all the things she said she didn't mean them, and knew that they were only half true. But to her…that's how _she_ felt for ten fucking years. That's the pain that consumed her when he looked away. She had been so unfair with him tonight…but can two minutes compare to what he had done to her?

-

God damn you Kakashi, had it been that hard for you to see me? Was it really necessary to involve pain just to look my way? And why the hell am I crying? I had the peace that I always wanted in my life. Why did I had to go and throw it all away for you?

---------------------------------------------


	2. 9 crimes

Hello and Happy Easter to those who are celebrating. I know I have been missing for a long time and this story wasn't updated. So consider this chapter as both an Easter present and a 'sorry' for my absence. As you will see, my writing style is suffering some changes and has it's ups and downs at the moment. Mind you, there's a writer's block happening around here :P

Naruto © **MASASHI KISHIMOTO**

All these being said, have a nice reading:

* * *

* * *

Kakashi Hatake was a master in controlling his emotions. That was the reason why he was a respected and feared nin. His self-control made many stare in pure admiration and some even go crazy when, no matter what, he stood there cold and distant as a rock. There wasn't even one single person that could read him; and he was well aware of it.

This is why he still could pretend things never happened, after all he always had it that way – pretend it away because bringing it up would always make matters worse. But right now…if the circumstances were different, if it would have been only the two of them he would have easily turned around to take her by the wrist, out of the road and sit with her on the grass to 'talk' for a while…. As if! Even if it _were_ just the two of them he would have done the same thing… pretend.

But this time he **was **confused. This time, unlike any other time he didn't have to pretend confusion because this time she, of all the people, had confused the hell out of him.

That was a really cold shower she put him through. Another thing that she did for him was to make him realize that, once you name your fears, that's when they actually affect you. He never thought about them… he couldn't afford it. He had long ago learned how to deal with regrets. He can't put the finger on it but he bet that he was even born with regret. 'Regret' had a certain ring to it that sounded just like the name 'Kakashi Hatake'. Regret was part of him and he learned how to cope with it. Never, **never**, react to regrets, or you'll dig your own grave. So he really pitied her. He wished he could make things better but the only thing he will do is pretend. Regrets don't fade away completely, they never do…but if they are not brought up they start to hurt less each day. It would have been foolish and unreasonable for him to be angry with her. It was merely coincidence that, under the influence of alcohol, she spitted out some hurtful words. She was still Sakura; the sweet, naïve, smart Sakura he had to watch over during the genin exams; so there was no reason to let her words get at him, even if, during the incident from bar he felt like a dartboard pierced right through the middle. The next time they met was too soon for him, and judging by her face when she entered the Hokage's office accompanied by Sasuke, Kakashi realized it was the same for her. Meeting the next day was indeed too soon for both, and receiving a team mission wasn't helping things at all. It wouldn't mean anything for him, but she was too emotional to keep it professional.

Last nights event proved it so. He wasn't angry… he was just rational and stating the obvious. But it was a neutral thing for him to say that she held no position to make him angry with himself. Of that he made sure during all these years. He couldn't blame her for the outburst she had that night, or at least he could pretend not to, but the things she accused him of not even 24 hours ago was in Kakashi's opinion two much for someone like her to understand the implications.

So whatever problem she still had with him for carving holes in his head from behind at the precise moment, she'll have to let go. She'll learn to let go.

--

Ten meters behind Sakura was walking at a perfect peace, hands folded over her chest. On her far right Naruto's eyes were playing a confused and frustrated game of ping-pong between his female team-mate and Kakashi. From time to time he would forget the promise he had made to Sasuke a night before and would jump ready to yell at them to stop and talk. But each time he was reminded of his place by Sasuke's elbows and sidekicks.

The night everything happened he ran to Sasuke's house to venture his anger and despair over the events at the bar. He thought Sasuke will approve with him and would feel as confused and sad as him, but when all he got as an answer to his story were a long sigh and a contemplative simple smile he felt even more like a fool. At that point he realised that there might have been things going on in the relationships of team 7 and he was the only one not to know about it. Even the clueless Sai with his stupid silence made it look as if he was aware of it. Sasuke's reaction made his anger grow and he demanded to tell him everything he knew and why has everybody kept it a secret until now. Naruto stuffed his hands in the pocket and looked contemplatively at Sasuke's face. He looked so calm and wise whilst he felt like a total stupid. Maybe Sasuke was right and he was just a dumb ass. Maybe there was no secret concerning the relationship between Sakura and Kakashi. Maybe the situation was there and he was a stupid not to see it. Sasuke told him while lazily pouring two glasses of sake (Naruto did wake him up that night) that Sakura was to explode sooner or later. He mentioned that on the other hand he never thought that she would actually have the courage to be that blunt with Kakashi. And that Naturo had no reason to be angry on her because of her words; that they had nothing to do with the team; that in the end he should try to see thing from her point of view. With that Sasuke left Naruto to his own thoughts. And last night, while preparing for the mission he made him promise not to meddle in their conflict or take someone's part. While letting his legs carry him on the dusty road he sighed. This was a hard promise to keep. He wished that Yamato and Sai were in the mission too. Not having someone to talk too was a real pain. And it looked like none of the three members of the former Team 7 would be willing to talk anytime soon.

--

To Sakura nothing that was happening around her would reach any of her senses. She was too focused on the back of the green vest of the man walking ahead of her. She was walking with her back straight and chin up. Last night's encounter proved her that she was able to live on without feeling guilty towards Kakashi. She realised that saying the things she said lifted a hard burden from her shoulders. It was Kakashi's turn to bear it. Though she had her doubts he would even bother. Last night was playing in her head like a record. How she went at the bar to search for Yamato to apologize for the way she acted that evening; how at the same bar were Kakashi and Genma; how Genma convinced her to take a sit and have a glass of sake with them; and being the stubborn girl she was with a side glance at Kakashi who acted angrily normal she decided to stay and show him she is not ashamed to look him in the eyes. Things went on until Yamato and Genma stepped out and let just the two of them at the bar. The silence in which the two of them were left. The gesture in which she brought the glass to her lips.

"_About the things you said." She refused to let him speak. _

"_They affected you so much that you needed a chance-encounter to bring them up."_

_He paused._

"_Well...they were a little hard to settle down and digest." Again she cut him off putting the glass down. _

"_I won't take them back. Except the nasty things that I said about Yamato, Naruto, Sai and Sasuke, I won't take them back." She was looking ahead, at the bottles on the shelves. She didn't need to look at him to see him trying to laugh his embarrassed laugh, in a attempt to calm the harsh tone in her voice. She knew his tricks and considered how those tricks were the ones that made her angry and disgusted. In truth, for the first time Kakashi had no idea how to lead a discussion in his advantage. He sighed, trying to keep the easy air._

"_You weren't that harsh when you were little. This is not cute anymore."_

_She gripped forcefully the glass, concentrating not to break it. He was making things worse. The laugh she let out was full of irony. _

"_Trust me, that's not the only thing that changed." She looked at him before getting up. "But don't feel bad for not knowing __**that**__. You weren't actually there to see lots of things happening. And stop smiling. If you really want to know, it makes me want to hit you every time you do it."_

And then there was her stepping out of the bar. She thought that after that she would be all red and feel remorse the entire night. But she felt nothing. And when they all met in the morning at the gates she surprised herself by being able to look him straight in the eyes and greet him. Maybe now that she let him know how she felt she finally managed to get free of everything. Maybe now she was could go forward and actually live her life without regrets.

"Lets camp to make the preparing. In half an hour we'll reach the surveillance post and we need to be prepared."

"Yes! Sakura-chan, you are my saver!" Naruto jumped with enthusiasm, not at the idea of having a brake but that someone had finally broke the silence. They were on a scroll recovering mission stolen from the Lord of Kusa. Their job was to catch the missing nin that organized the robbery, take the scroll and leave no one alive. It was a two points mission: recover the scroll and eliminate five more names from the Bingo Book. Sakura had had enough of this kind of mission, but she had no right to complain.

"We'll go straight to the guarding post. The sooner we are on position the better."

Kakashi's prompt answer made everyone stop on track and Sakura stared incredulously at him. She couldn't believe what she was witnessing: a stubborn Kakashi, snapping without stopping or looking at them. She narrowed her eyes and didn't know if it was right to let an ironic smirk on her face.

"I can't believe that you are going to go against **your** usual mission plan just to disagree with me." Of course Sakura snapped in her own annoyance too with Naruto watching them again with a gaping mouth.

"Sakura if you are going to bring disturbance to the mission you should have asked the Hogake to send someone else in your place." Sakura wanted to crack the road on spot and yell in frustration. If he had something to tell her he should at least have the courage to stop and look at her. But all she did was to exhale and continue walking behind him. Naruto and Sasuke, still not moving were watching them.

Sasuke huffed and smirked making his friend eyeing him with confusion.

"Damn, she is good. Never thought Sakura would get under his skin so bad."

"Wha-?"

Naruto got another elbow in his ribs.

"Come on, get moving."

* * *

* * *

They were all on positions. It was one hour from midnight and this was the camping site where the nin will rest. From their hiding places they had to wait for their arrival. Sakura had her back against the tree branches and lost in her own thought. It was a warm summer night; the only movement in the forest was of the singing crickets. In less then two minutes she was brought back to reality by Kakashi's landing to her left. It was dark and she didn't turn to look at him, his strong voice reaching her ears.

"_They're here."_ And as predicted, soon five chackra signals appeared, soon followed by their owners. Sakura looked down. As predicted, they stopped. On the other hand, unexpectedly they had a hostage. Sakura narrowed her eyes to distinguish their features. Soon her fist clenched. The sixth person was small and thin, dressed in a worn-out yukata and a bag over her head. She jumped when she felt Kakshi's hand on her shoulder pulling her back. Looking back at him and at their closure she realized that unconsciously she had leaned foreword. Kakashi must have read her anger and just a look in his eyes was enough to read his disagreement.

"_Don't do anything stupid Sakura_." Then he looked over his shoulder, as if talking to no one in particular. "_We'll get the four nin first. Leave Kasho alive until we take the scroll from him. Sakura, you stay here. We need you in case things go wrong."_

Sakura didn't have to approve or disapprove (though she knew she couldn't) when the three of them jumped on the ground in the middle of the missing nin.

She watched the fight from her place. Instead of concerning about the events happening on ground she considered Kakashi's words. She was a medic nin and so she was not on offensive task. Her job was to keep the others alive. All that she knew, but the way Kakashi put it sounded no different from the way he talked to her since childhood. She couldn't help put read his words as: "Stay out of the fight, you are not good at it." And what if she wasn't good? Whose fault would that be? Not hers for sure. It's like Kakashi **refused **to acknowledge her. She should have gone for ANBU. Going on missions with Yamato was much more simple. For once he credits her for her true abilities and doesn't treat her with superiority even if he is in charge of the team. What did she do wrong to Kakashi to look down on her like that?

She felt so apathetic at the moment. Sakura shifted in her position and gazed to the ground. She watched Kasho bringing the hostage in front of him for protection, taking down the bag from her face. Naruto was growling through his teeth while Sasuke was finishing the last man standing. Kakashi's calm voice echoed distantly through her ears demanding the scroll from the missing nin.

Tears were falling down on the poor's girl cheeks, dripping form her chin. Her shoulders were shaking and her eyes were full of fear. _Kakashi was never the one to be impressed by a stranger's feelings._ The man was threatening to slice the girl's throat if they don't back off. _Maybe he was never impressed by her tears either. She must have been crying lots of times in front of him like an idiot and behind that warm smile of his was the same calm with which he was looking at the girl now._ Her crying turned into hiccups and she wished she could beg for her life but her voice was betraying him. _So what if she was emotional? Maybe emotions were dangerous for a shinobi but her strong emotions were also motivating her in moving on and becoming a greater person_. _Her emotions were the source of her power as well_. The brute smirked in her dark tangled hair and his scared arm moved down to her hips and reached her inner tight. _So maybe there was no reason to make Kakashi look her way when he never did to begin with. So maybe she should stop wanting to impress him. So maybe it was all over._ He slipped his hand under the yukata.

Sakura jumped from the tree and with a chackra filled fist she landed on the man. Reaching the ground she felt warm drops splashing over her face and opened her eyes. For the longest time she stood crouched looking at the pool of blood and organic white covering the soil. Her fist penetrated the skull on the man and he died on the spot. She unclenched her hand and continued to look at the blood and crumbs of bones oozing along her fingers. She felt the cold breeze on her skin and the blood that strained her skin and upper clothes. The running steps of the girl brought her back to reality. She lifted her eyes to see Naruto catch the scared girl in his arms. She got up. Kakashi came to her side, crouching down and searching the dead man's clothes. It was no need for hit to look at her to feel his really angry aura. When his research was not fructuous he let the body violently fall.

"I thought I told you to stay put, Sakura!!!! Why the hell do you think we needed him alive? He was an expert in morphing jutsu! How do you expect we'll found a scroll that has been morphed into something?!!"

Sakura looked calmly down at him. Had she ever seen Kakashi annoyed before? She couldn't remember, but surely it never was because of her.

"Have you completely lost your mind?" He dared her gaze when she stood like a plastic doll unaffected by his anger. Sakura wondered why she wasn't fazed by his disappointment. She looked at the disfigured man. With fists glowing in chackra she crouched down again investigating the body. Her arms stopped on his felt forearm, suddenly gripped it from the wrist and elbow. Then she pulled and under her force the arm broke in two like a thin branch. The forearm she was holding soon transformed into ashes falling on the ground reveling the circular container in her hand. With the same unexpressive face when Kakashi got up she slammed it in his chest.

"Here's your scroll."

Sakura turned around to look at the girl. With her left glove she tried to clean the blood from her face. The little one, no more than 16 years old, still clenched to Naruto had tears on her face and trembled in a gesture of thank you.

Kakashi stepped closer to them.

"We need to leave the place."

"Shouldn't we take the girl home first?" Naruto looked at her reassuring. "Where are you from?"

She tried to dry her eyes.

"I live with my grandparents at the end of the woods, south-way. It happened all so fast, they entered into the house and hit my grandfather in the head. Took some of the food and grabbed me."

"Then we should reach your home really fast."

Naruto looked at the disapproval in Kakashi and Sasuke's eyes. "Come on you guys. She is still scared. We ended our mission anyway. We can't let her go alone in her condition".

--

In their way to the girl's home Naruto managed to learn her name and make her feel comfortable in spite of all the dirt from the battle and some blood here and there. On the other hand Sakura decided to stay behind. She was ashamed oh her and what she did. She despised violence and she despised what she had done. She couldn't understand what took over her. It was like anger put a blank spot in front of her eyes. And now she was all covered in blood and disgusted by herself. When they reached the house she watched how the girl run, yelling in happiness to her grandparents. Both received them with their arms opened and asked them to pass the night there. In the end everybody agreed to take a break until morning and Sakura was thankful for the darkness that was covering much of the stains on her clothes. She turned around and announced that she'll check the eastern area. When she took off Kakashi nodded to the rest and said he'll get the other way.

--

Later, when Sakura returned to the house she silently stepped in and closed the door. The house was really small and modest and it was a mile away from the closest village. The family was poor and the fact that the girl lived with her grandparents let Sakura believe that her parents were dead. When she took her shoes off she realized that Kakashi was already back because his tabi boots were there, next to Naruto and Sasuke's sandals. She wanted to be as quiet as she could since it was long past midnight but suddenly a door opened and the old woman came to encounter her.

"_I am terribly sorry that we are not able to give you more. You have no idea how grateful we for what you did."_

"_Please, there is no need to put an effort. We are most than thankful for the roof you have offered us."_ She tried her best to whisper back.

"_We prepared a room for all of you. The boys have already eaten but I have kept something for you and put it on a tray in your room. Our bathroom is connected to your room. It's nothing special but you can use the tube or the small shower in there. I am going to put some more firewood for the water. Please, put your clothes on the basket outside the window. Until tomorrow morning I'll wash and dry them. You have a yukata from my granddaughter on the chair in the bathroom."_

Sakura wished she could convince the woman to go to sleep and not concern so much about her but the thought of giving her bloody clothes to someone else made her feel like sharing her shame with that other person. As if the old woman read her mind she put a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't you worry child. My sweetheart told me everything and you shouldn't feel concerned about things like this. My granddaughter owns you her life. In her eyes you are her hero."

Sakura let herself smile.

"Now, go child. It's late and you should get some rest."

Sakura bowed politely and went into the room that the woman pointed at. She opened the door to find a snoring Naruto scattered all over his improvised futon while invading Sasuke's too. The latter opened one eye to look at her and Sakura brought a finger to her lips to sign him that he should go to sleep. She crossed the room and opened the shoji door that lead to the bathroom. The bathroom was old but clean and all dressed in wood. In the middle was a tube for the baths and in a corner in the back of a shoji wall was a handmade shower. She was unbuttoning her shirt looking at the water in the tube. The pinkette considered that she hadn't use a tube in a long time. For months she had taken showers. The idea of running water taking away the bad things of each day made her feel a little better. And this blood, she needed to wash away. All undressed she stepped behind the wall and started the water.

She let her body relax and watched the red wires gliding down her skin and dripping off her hair, chin, nipples and fingers. She watched the red leaking on the floor and she felt that with that red all her colours were leaving her as well. She closed her eyes and wished to see the true colour of the water the moment she'll open them again.

Sakura jumped when she heard the door of the bathroom open. She looked at the wall of paper and distinguished Kakashi's figure in the doorway.

"Sorry… I didn't know you were here. If you want I'll come back later."

The woman turned her attention back to her shower and sighed.

"If you want to use the tube feel free."

Kakashi closed the door and between sounds the drops hitting her skin she heard the man moving about and sinking into the water.

And there was silence again.

"Aaaah…. This is perfect. I'd fall asleep on spot."

Sakura changed her position in the shower and leaned her shoulder on one of the wooden walls. She lifted her hand and played her fingers around the water drops on the wood.

"Are you still wearing your mask?"

"Eh?"

She raised her voice.

"I said - … Forget it."

"Why do you want to know? Do you intend to peek?"

His jokes reminded her of the smell of grass from Konoha's train ground. His low voice reminded her of the feeling of new, of the sound of the bells from his pocket and the time spent on the bridge while they waited for him. She swallowed like a kid.

"You do this everytime! It doesn't matter if it's a serious matter or a joke. You always, always pretend!"

Why did she snapped like that, all the sudden she had no idea. Of course he was even more surprised than her. When he entered the room, after hearing her answer from the shower, he believed that their conversation will once again go as normal. Little chit-chats over nothing; a tease or joke here and there. He thought that things will return to normal. But of course, as emotional as she was, she wouldn't let go so fast.

"Why did you have to pretend you didn't hear my question? Wasn't it easier to just answer? You always buy more time; more time to always evade questions."

"Sakura, are you even listening over what you are fighting right now? It's childish."

But she refused to hear him and went on.

"Why are you such a coward? Why are you running away? Why are you running away from your own team? Why are you running away from me? Why are you running away from your life?"

She stopped and a heavy silence took over the room. Kakashi stared absentmindedly at the steam rising from his water. He sighed.

"Sakura, stop. I understand that you are mad at me. And maybe at some degree I can understand why. But don't mix things and get more confused over it."

"You don't understand anything!" Her voice was low and hissed. "Don't make this about me. Don't try to coward away again. Can you do anything else in life than just pretend?"

He was quiet, which made her go on. "You pretend your problems don't exist and still you lose your life tormented and hiding from them. You wear that stupid mask to hide from your past."

Kakashi wanted to make that voice stop.

"Sakura.." but his whisper was not enough to break her.

"You are so ashamed of your past that you lock yourself in it. What does it matter what your father did? Why do you have to bear someone else's mistakes? Does it make it less shamefully if you wear a mask? Does it matter that much what other people think?"

"SAKURA!!!!"

"SAKURA WHAT?" Why are you such a coward?"

"Sakura, you have no right to look into someone's life!"

"Maybe you should have considered this possibility when you refused to know me. As my teacher I thought that confidence and trust were the most important in a team. Why are you afraid of letting us be a team? Why the hell do you live in the old team 7? You have a new team, you have us! Why don't you look at us? Why don't you look at me? Your team 7 dead! You are not part of it anymore! They are dead! All of them! Obito, Rin! Why can't you let them die too? I hate them! I hate them so much for taking you with them the day they died! I hate Rin and I swear if she wasn't dead I would kill her with my own hands!"

Kakashi wanted to make that voice stop. He couldn't take any more sounds. Like a madman he jumped from the tube and threw himself behind the shoji wall. There he saw this woman, this girl he met for the first time when she was still a child; he watched with fury the body of the person who dared hit him so low, he wanted to see the angry monster to have something to match with the voice and hateful words. Instead he found this fragile body leaning on the wooden wall, shoulders brought ahead, big green eyes and tears mixing in the pouring water on her face. He felt his fist clench. All his life he fought to push in the back all the pain and fears and now this stupid girl was pointing them out and bringing them back to life with the most frightening easiness. He wanted her to shut up. His fist was already white and he swore that the next thing he would do was to punch her because he had long lost control over his body. Anything to make that voice stop from echoing in his head. He felt his arm lifting and was prepared for the worse. The next thing he felt was the pain in his fist as it made a contact with the wall and the hot skin of her soft lips on his mouth. His other hand gripped the back of her neck forcefully and he pushed his body hard in her own.

_Anything to make her shut up. _

He knew that all this will end when she'll overcome the shock and push him. He knew that sooner or later she, the one who made him lose control over his body, will be the one to also give it back. So he just had to wait for her fist.

Instead another greater pain took over him. He felt her arms throwing themselves around him, and sharp nails digging in his skin.

He was intoxicated so he pushed himself even harder into her body. Gluing her to the wall, his injured hand gripped her thigh and lifted her from the ground, leaving as point of sustain the toes of her right foot and his own body.

He pushed himself in.

The sound of the running water; her lips on the skin of his neck; the smell of fresh blood; the smarting that her nails let on his back; the pain of the water hitting their skin; her wet hair; his heartbeat going faster and faster, matching the movement of his body; her silent screams; the hurting on his gripping fist; the pain, the pleasure, the torment, the fear, and in the end the bliss.

Breathless he pushed his head backwards letting the water hit his face and finding its way into his mouth. Slowly he stepped backwards, putting her down so gently, and slowly opening his eyes to watch the woman in front of her. The woman with the back still on the wood, and with close eyes. He waited for her to open her eyes; this woman in front of him; this stranger he did not know and could not predict. He only knew by hand that little girl that he had left behind long ago. The image of a sweet and too naïve shoulder length pink haired girl he used to find too adorable to ever become a serious shinobi. But now, when he opened his eyes all he saw a stranger; someone who scared him so much; someone who seemed to know him by hand, the same way he knew that little girl. His heart was so small and alerted in the waiting to see what her next movement will be.

That's when her big green orbs revealed themselves. From under the long lashes they looked at him with ripeness and self control. He watched her hand reaching up and cupping his face. He watched her getting close and lifting herself on her toes, approaching her lips to him. And he heard again her whispered, cool voice.

"If it's hatred I have to take from you to make you pay attention to me then please hate me. Hate me as powerfully as you can."

Then the warmth of her body was gone, and from the shower he heard her steps around the room, the slip of the cloths, the sound of the door opening, closing and the silence of his life.

_What has he done? _

_--------------------------------------------------------  
_

* * *

Slipping inside, the click of the shutting door echoed through the empty rooms of her old apartment. Always empty whenever she came back home. Sakura let out a soft sigh for the countless time during the same day and throwing the keys to the ground she took off her shoes.

It was the same routine as after any other mission. Down the dark corridor and into the shower of her bathroom. The mission had ended and they were all back. As water was hitting her skin she rememberd the events of that morning. How she followed him outside in the cold of the morning and found him smoking a cigar, a rare thing for him to to. How she took a seat down next to him, and how in the silence she aproached him in an atempt to kiss him. When their faces were close she stopped.

„_Aren't you going to stop me?"_

_The calm and distance in his eyes._

„_No. But if you'll continue doing it I'll have to inform the Hokage of the hindrance you bring in the team. So if you want to keep your position in this team you should alone consider your actions."_

_She went back to her place and when she showed no sign of leaving Kakashi spoke again._

„_Go take some rest. In less tham three hours we''ll part for Konoha."_

Sakura grabbed her towel. It was true that Kakashi was a man. And as any human he was bound to lose control. But he would quickly overcome it and start to pretend. So now, Sakura was just one of his problems. One of which he'll run away form and pretend it away. Like all the rest.

She stepped from the shower and turned off the lights.

-------------------End of chapter 2---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


End file.
